Boundaries Vs. Walls

Let’s talk about boundaries. Not the barbed-wire kind, but the healthy, life-giving kind—the ones that quietly (but confidently) say, “This is who I am, this is what matters to me, and here’s how I like to be treated.” Sounds simple, right? And yet, so many of us confuse setting boundaries with building walls.

So, what’s the difference—and why does it matter so much in dating?

A Little Backstory on Boundaries

The groundwork for the concept of boundaries was developed by phycologists like Abram Maslow and Signmund Freud and others in the 1940’s and 1960’s using different terms. In the 1970s and 1980s, the term personal boundaries became popular as therapeutic texts by John Bradshaw, Melody Beattie and others dove into topics of trauma recovery and codependence, In the 1990s and forward the term has grown to encompass our emotional health and is used to help individuals in marriage counseling, classrooms, corporate seminars and parenting classes. As widely discussed as the topic is, depending on our family dynamics or cultural upbringing, the idea of honoring our own needs can feel foreign—or even selfish.

Many women, for example, were taught (sometimes directly, often subtly) to be "easygoing." Translation? Don't make waves, go with the flow, and if someone else’s needs bump up against yours, step aside. Over time, this conditioning can make it hard to tap into your own intuition and needs, let alone trust it.

And men? They're often told—explicitly or otherwise—that emotional needs are a sign of weakness. Vulnerability? Not exactly encouraged. The result? Disconnected guys navigating life without a clear compass for emotional connection. The good news is that this is changing, as more men recognize the value of emotional depth, curiosity, and connection—both in themselves and in their relationships.

So yes, boundaries are for everyone.

Dating Without a Map

Let’s take Jenn, for example. She re-entered the dating world in her early 40s and kept running into the same issue: great first dates that ended with ghosting. After some reflection (and therapy), she realized she was showing up as the “easygoing” version of herself—accommodating, flexible, and always agreeable.

She moved her schedule around to fit theirs, didn’t speak up when things felt off, accepted a kiss before she felt ready, and overlooked inconsistent communication. But eventually, her easygoing exterior cracked, and her frustration came out in a text. Suddenly the guy on the other end was wondering, “Where’d chill Jenn go?”

That’s the thing: when we ignore our boundaries to keep someone interested, it often backfires. And the worst part? We end up feeling confused, hurt, and wondering if we’re just “too much” or “not enough.”

From Self-Betrayal to Self-Protection

Now, swinging to the opposite extreme—putting up walls—is also common. After being hurt, some of us build fortresses around our hearts. We create red-flag checklists a mile long, shut things down at the first sign of discomfort, and stay safe... but very, very alone.

Whether we’re boundary-less or walled-up, the root issue is the same: fear. Fear of being rejected, fear of being seen, fear of being hurt again.

So what’s the solution? The sweet spot lives somewhere in the middle.

Boundaries, But Make Them Beautiful, because the truth is, finding a healthy relationship starts with how YOU show up.

Boundaries aren’t barriers—they’re bridges. They help create the kind of safety and clarity that allow us to show up authentically, playfully, and with a genuine openness to connection.

When new clients come to me looking for a quick fix—like a dating profile overhaul with hopes that countless eligible singles will swipe right and their loneliness will end or those who hope they will attend one singles event and they will meet their future mate—I also remind them to look a little deeper. 

Here are a few practical ways to start showing up with joyful, grounded boundaries:

1. Tune Into YOUR Body

Think of someone who makes you feel completely at ease—maybe your best friend or a close family member. How does your body feel around them? Calm? Relaxed? Safe?

That’s your nervous system at peace.

Now, on a date, do a quick internal check. Are you expanding (feeling open and curious), or contracting (feeling tense or guarded)? While a first date won’t feel like hanging out with a best-friend, your body will still give you clues about whether this person is creating space for your real self to emerge.

2. Practice Gentle Boundaries Early & Feel How They Are Received

Start with something small and proactive. For example:

Scenario: They ask you out for Sunday dinner. Response: “I’d love to get to know you better! I have plans with my kids that day—family time is super important to me. How about another night this week?”

Or if physical intimacy comes up and you're not ready: “I’m really enjoying our time together and love where this is going. I usually like to take a little time before connecting physically—I’ve found it helps me connect more meaningfully.”

Here’s another one to try: “I’m really intentional about who I spend my time with. It’s important to me to get to know someone’s values early on: What matters most to you these days?”

These aren’t rigid demands—they’re respectful invitations to connect on deeper levels without abandoning yourself. A good potential match will respect and even admire these boundaries.

3. Reframe Your Focus

Instead of asking, “Do they like me?” try asking, “Do I like how I feel around them?”

Also, take a moment to reflect on what you value. Make a list: kindness, curiosity, humor, integrity, emotional availability—whatever lights you up. Let that list guide how you filter matches. Attraction is important, but it’s only one piece of the puzzle. Sometimes sparks come later, after safety and connection have been established.

Final Thoughts

The best version of your dating life starts with you—the joyful, peaceful, grounded version of you. The one who doesn’t hustle for connection by giving up who they are. The one who trusts that honoring their needs isn’t selfish—it’s magnetic.

We’ve been taught that love means losing ourselves, but real love begins when we start becoming ourselves. Boundaries aren’t the end of romance—they’re the beginning of real, deep, soulful connection.

So go out there. Be your bold, kind, wonderfully authentic self. Set your boundaries and see what unfolds.

Remember: conflict isn’t a red flag, it’s a doorway to deeper understanding if both people stay curious and kind. Relationships aren’t meant to be perfect, they’re meant to help us grow.

If this feels challenging, remember that you don’t have to do it alone. You just need to commit to showing up as your whole self, even if you’re still figuring out what that looks like. If needed, enlist a therapist, good friend or coach to walk with you during this new chapter of growth.